After watching A Star is Born I cried.
I cried all the way home, I cried myself to sleep, I cried the next day, I was sad for days.
It really got me, it got inside my head and heart. It felt like my heart was being torn apart again.
Memories came flooding back, hurt and pain took over my body and soul again.
It was intense.
But very healing.
It was good for my soul to have that release.
It was hard but in the end helped me on my own journey.
Then a little while after I saw some comments on-line from people who had watched it - upset that it ended the way it did "the ending ruined a good movie" they said. "Why put that scene in, what's the point" they said. "It was so graphic" they said. "I don't want to watch that when I go to the movies" they said.
What ...... you don't want to see someone commit suicide? You don't want suicide ruining your nice movie?
But that is reality....
That is real life.....
I am so sorry there was a sad uncomfortable scene in a movie.
So sorry you got faced with a truth, and a reality for some people. People like me.
That was my reality. That is what really happened in my life and others I know.
That is a reality I have had to live with for over 11 years now.
It makes you uncomfortable?
How do you think it feels for someone going through it....day after day wishing they could wake up and it's all a nightmare, but remembering the truth. Night after night not being able to sleep for fear of the haunting dreams.
Wondering what else you could have done, wondering what difference you could have had, wondering if you could have done anything to change the outcome. Questioning your life, questioning your very existence. Wondering how you can go on, wanting too give up also because the pain is too great to bear.
That is reality.
And yes I am sure you would love to sweep it all under the carpet as you always have done.
Turn a blind eye, look the other way, because you don't want to feel sadness or pain.
So what then for us, the survivors of suicide, the ones left behind?
No one asks us how we are - because they feel too uncomfortable. No one checks in on us because they don't know what to say. No one talks about what happened because it's too hard for them.
So are we just meant to pretend it didn't happen?
Pretend we are fine so we don't upset you with the truth, with real life, with our reality.