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10 years. A decade, it goes by so fast and life gets so chaotic but yet the memories remain strong.
One question I've always wanted to ask you is what you were thinking and feeling in your final hours. I think I know. But I have always wanted to ask you.
All my love, all the support I could give you wasn't enough which makes me feel sad and made me feel like I wasn't enough for the past decade - well if I'm truely honest with myself it still haunts me. I still feel like I'm not enough at times.
I understand your pain in those last few months. I saw it in your eyes, I felt it in your soul, I know how much you were hurting, I know how much you didn't feel like you belonged on this earth anymore which is why I never felt angry at you. I understood your choice in some way. Even though I don't think it was the answer. Even though it has caused me ongoing pain and issues I have had to spend hundreds of hours trying to resolve and dealing with. I still get it.
I get it because I have felt it. I have been in that place of not wanting to stay on this planet. Not belonging here. Not seeing how there can be a tomorrow or a next week or a next year.
But I still feel in my bones that it's not the answer, there is a solution to every problem that may seem insurmountable at the time. There is resolve for every pain if you're willing to put the time and care into yourself. There is always a tomorrow, always a next week, always a next year. And as I know from first hand experience those tomorrow's can be beautiful, they can be full of happiness, they can be full of love if you let them.
There will be new soul connections, new life brings happiness. Sometimes when it's least expected.
Goals are set and achieved, love is given and received and somehow that sense of belonging slowly creeps back in.
The feeling that actually life can be good comes back in like a sunrise ever so slowly and delicately. The first shards of light slowly creep across the night sky. Until eventually the sun starts to appear cautiously at first but growing ever so strong and bright until your life has light in it again, until you can see around you, until the colours start jumping out at you again.
But one must have patience to last the night through. One must have strength in the darkness. One must be able to hold on to the memory of the day when they are in the dark of the night. And this I know is often the hardest part.
Anyway I have rambled on enough now I just wanted to put some of my thoughts and feelings down on paper. I find it helps to deal. It is an outlet where I can share myself and no one has to give their opinion, their thoughts. It's purely just my inner most parts making their way out.
Life will have dark nights of that you can be sure but it will also have the most beautiful of sunny days full of warmth and love and happiness. Be strong through the darkness, be strong through the pain, it's not forever. Trust me I know.
Suicide is not the answer.
Love, patience and friendship are.
Be strong in the face of your dark nights for you will have a beautiful tomorrow. I promise you this.
