©2018 by Michaiah Simmons-Villari.

Today was not a good day...

July 15, 2018

Today is not a good day for me. No idea why to be honest. I just didn’t want to get out of bed, but I made myself. I didn’t want to leave the house, the thought of seeing people made me sick to my stomach, but I made myself take the dogs for a walk and actually the fresh air was nice.

I wanted to go back to bed but instead I put myself in front of my sewing machine and started sewing. At least I am doing something I guess.

My head is pounding, my whole body is aching, my energy is so low it feels hard to do anything. I am getting better from a flu so I am hoping that is just it but I feel burnt out.

I feel empty of feeling. I don’t care. I feel worthless and like nothing I can do is good enough. I feel like no one would miss me if I were not here anymore. Not sure why I feel like this today. Nothing really set me off. I guess it’s just one of those days and tomorrow will be so much better. Here is hoping right.

I know I should be happy, I have a beautiful amazing life. I know I should be feeling on top of the world, I have no reason not to. But I guess my hormones are not playing ball or my chemical balance is out of whack, or maybe I am just tired and my body is telling me to rest…. It’s hard not to feel like a bad person on days like these. Hard not to feel bad for not feeling happy and amazing. There are so many people so much worse off than me and I know that.

I am grateful, I love my life, I am just having a melancholy day. I can’t shake it. Does that make me ungrateful? Because today I am sad. I feel stuck in the grips of my depression. Why did it choose today to come back to me? I can not answer the question. It really is so unpredictable.  

I can usually snap myself out of it, usually make myself see the good in life. But I think to be honest sometimes we all need to be a little kind to ourselves and allow ourselves to have an off day. Allow ourselves time to brood, time to feel sadness. Time to process things. 

Life can’t be all laughs and smiles, positive affirmations, unicorns and candyfloss – that is not reality really and sometimes the weight of the world catches up and sometimes it wins. Today it won, today it beat me. Tomorrow will be a better day. 

 

 

 

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